Hearing the Words

I had two doctors appointments today. The oncologist and the rheumatologist.

It was my two month appointment at the oncologist. Time for blood work and the good old port flush.  It's always stressful going to the appoitnment. The anticipation is daunting. I feel good, but AM I good? Am I healthy? Only my blood will tell the story.

After being weighed, (their scales are always wrong!!); flushing the port and drawing the blood, (just a little pinch); and catching up with the doctor (it's always hard going only every 8 weeks when you were used to going more frequently. But hey, it means you're doing well!!), it's time for the report, (the blood work comes back really, really fast- which I find to be truly miraculous, when you usually have to wait 5-7 days fro blood work results).

The doctor said, "Your white count is up. Everything looks good. I'm happy. You're great!! See you in two months, okay?"

"OKAY!!",  I say.  Inside my head I'm hearing, "Hallelujah!!!""  The feeling is truly indescribable!!!

I float on cloud 9 to my next appointment with the rheumatologist, who is supposed to tell me why my body aches and what we can do about it.  He is such a sweet man,  kind of Santa Claus looking, and he always spends a lot of time talking to me and explaining everything there is to know about arthritis, bursitis and getting old!! LOL

I was just relieved to hear that it was just that and nothing worse. When you have had cancer, every ache and pain seems like it could be related to, or caused by, the cancer and it honestly, FREAKS YOU OUT!!  I explained my thoughts and fears to him and what a relief it was to hear that it was nothing BUT arthritis and bursitis.

The wise doctor said he totally understood where I was coming from. You see, his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer and they, too, were waiting all weekend to hear the right words from her doctor.  He said, "You may know it in your heart and your head, but you have to hear the words. Your life is hanging on hearing the words."

Truer words have never been spoken. At this moment, I have two friends, two amazing women, who are waiting to hear the words.  Let's all hope and pray that what they hear are the RIGHT words.

XO

The Little Moments

     Now that I been clean for over a year, most of my days are easy. Despite aches and pains, (it's not easy getting old), and some occasional fears, living my life is a treat! It's a gift to be cherished and I most definitely try NOT to take it for granted.  I could not have made it to this point without the love and support from my family AND my friends.
     My sorority sisters are amazing women. They continuously sent me prayers, love and support from far away. They were there for me every step of the way. The sisterly bond is amazing and I will cherish it forever! So, when my dear friend's son was getting married, I was more than happy to be there for her and share in her joy.  I was even more excited to celebrate with her and some of my dearest "sisters"!
     Although the wedding was beautiful and the reception a blast, the moments that touched my heart the most were the little ones.  Singing the AXO sweetheart song to the groom, having coffee and breakfast in our pj's, toasting a mom in heaven with her favorite champagne, and just laughing and talking and enjoying each others company. It was a weekend of laughter and love.  My heart gets full just writing about it.
     When it was time for me to get out of the car at the airport, I hugged my dear, sweet friend goodbye and started to cry. Not because I didn't want to go home. I just felt so lucky to have been able to create and share new memories with my "old" friends and full of joy and hope that there will so many more "new" memories to come.  I felt so blessed!!!
     It was like a gift and I felt so fortunate and privileged to be able to unwrap it- one smile, one hug, one laugh, one dance at time.

xo

Life as I know it

Right now, life as I know it is great! I am healthy and happy. My family is great and finally, all back together in Florida. I love having my grown children around all the time. It brings me such joy! I am finally back at work more frequently and am really enjoying it. I am involved in several cancer charities- Lymphona Research Foundation, LLS, and Little Smiles- and am getting ready for the upcoming fundraisers. Somehow i managed to be co chairperson of the auction committee for Little Smiles and luckily my dear sweet friends came through with some great donations! Thank you all so much!!!!

Although I am happy and well, I still have things that way heavy on my mind. I am still devastated and angry (as I know she is) about the news my friend received that her cancer is back. She is doing great right now! Back at work, exercising and even running the Race for the Cure this weekend. God bless her because I can't even run it. I will be walking instead, in support of her and my other friend who has breast cancer. It is pretty sad to know that you can walk in an event every weekend in support of different cancers and the search for a cure. Why can't we find cures for these deadly diseases? Lindsey posted an article on Facebook about a teenager who may have discovered a cure! Interesting how a teenager might be able to figure it out but scientists and doctors and pharmaceutical companies can't. I wonder why that is? Maybe because there is no money involved. Just saying.

 I am also not happy with the insurance companies this year. As most of you know, cancer patients need to have follow up scans to make sure that we are still healthy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was supposed to have a pet scan in August but at the last minute, Aetna changed their minds and rescinded their approval. I went ahead and had a cat scan instead (which is not as detailed) and got a good report. I was scheduled for my next pet scan in December and again, they denied the test. Even after a peer review with my doctor!! I had another cat scan and did get good results but it is still disheartening. I am not the only one this is happening to. I have another friend in the same situation. We both resent the fact that insurance companies are messing with our lives. They have no right to deny necessary tests. They should not be in control of my life or anyone else's for that matter!!!!  Again, just saying.

When I get angry and frustrated with my situation, I draw inspiration, strength and positivity from a young friend who is getting ready to deliver a beautiful baby with a life threatening disease. She and her husband are dealing with this through love, faith and hope. She expresses herself and her feelings so beautifully on her blog with such grace and openness. I am moved to tears every time I read it. I ask that everyone say a prayer for this wonderful young family. I know how amazing the power of prayer can be and they need your prayers now!

 I love my family and I love you all!
 XO
 God Bless

Light the Night

I had the most wonderful experience last week. I participated in the Light the Night Walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma in West Palm Beach. This is a 2 mile walk that takes place in the evening, in the dark, along the waterfront. The light comes from the illuminated balloons that everyone carries while they walk!  Lights for those who are still in the fight, those who have survived and sadly, those who have lost the battle.

I put my team together and named it "Laugh for Life" as I believe laughter is truly the best medicine! My goal was to raise some money for the cause and participate in an event that was fun and brought attention to my cancer-Lymphoma!!! I didn't set a goal. I just figured I would do my best to make a decent contribution to the fight against cancer. I had no idea that I would end up being one of the top fundraisers of the event!

Thanks to my wonderful friends and supporters for making it possible for me to raise over $5,000!!! What a feeling! What a night! I was so proud to have my team there- 15 strong- all in their "Laugh for Life" t-shirts. A sight I will never forget!

I met fighters and survivors, young and old. I met family members whom I also consider to be fighters and survivors.  Their stories would touch your heart just as they touched mine. There were prayers for those lost and a memory wall to write messages and memories. There was dancing to celebrate life! There was love everywhere.

I am so thankful to have been able to participate in this amazing event with my family and friends. My cup runneth over!! Thank you all.

Much Love-
Fran
xo

PS Come join me next year at Light the Night 2012!!

Cancer Sucks!!! We need a cure NOW!!!

Okay. I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been so busy and although I have thought about posting a hundred times, I just never sat down to do it.  So now, three months later, here I am once again.

Since my scan and physical in August, life has taken over as it should. We closed on a second home in West Virginia, Lindsey has her first "real-life" job, Bryan is engaged to sweet Neka and I have gone back to work, part-time. I traveled to New York to see family and friends and got "hit" by the October snowstorm! And, I managed to raise over $5,000 for the Light the Night Walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma. (see separate post)

My white count has slowly climbed up to just within the normal range which is fantastic! When Dr. Schwartz has a smile on his face, I know I'm in good shape. I have been concerned about being around the students at school because they all have so many germs!!! Apparently, I have to be more concerned about my own body creating infections more than I have to worry about others. I had several scares but all is well for me right now.

I wish I could say the same for a dear friend of mine. I have really come back to my blog tonight because her cancer has come back and it SUCKS!!! It scares me, not to mention her. She was the picture of health. She was exercising and running in marathons and enjoying her life. And now, she has heard the devastating words- "the cancer is back." Why??? Did you hear me? I want to know why???? She was actually told at first that it wasn't cancer and she and her husband were so relieved. How could they be so wrong? Why didn't it show up on all of her follow up scans? It's so wrong. We cancer survivors count on our doctors and test and scans to give us the right information. If we can't count on them, who can we count on?

My feelings and fears can't come close to how she is feeling right now. But, her diagnosis has brought fears and doubts that I haven't really felt, even when I was going through chemo. She was supporting me. She told me I would get through it, and I did. And now I am afraid. For me and for my dear, sweet, fun-loving friend and her family.

Please pray for her. Please pray for me. Please pray for anyone that has cancer and their families.

Please pray for a cure and do what you can to help find that cure!! Now.

XO

Results

As usual, I am behind on my posts and I apologize again. I really don't like when people keep me hanging so I shouldn't leave you all hanging. So, here's the news. . .

As you know, I was prepped and ready for my Pet Scan. Lindsey came with me for moral support and to drive me home if I needed.  I went in to see Dr. Schwartz for my usual bloodwork prior to the scan. Anna put me in my supposed lucky room- #17 and we waited for the doctor to come in. I don't usually have to wait so I was getting concerned and told Lindsey that something must be up. Sure enough, the doctor came in and said, "So, I suppose you heard about the Pet Scan?" and I said, "I'm supposed to have it in 30 minutes." His response was, "Aetna changed their minds. They won't pay for it. As of Friday, they said yes and had approved it and then this morning they said No!!" WTF!!! Insurance companies make me sick!!

The game plan changed and I was heading for a cat scan instead, a reliable scan but not as in depth as the pet scan. Only problem was the special diet I did was useless. I had to now drink the barium liquid which is just plain gross!!! Then we had to sit for an hour while it worked its way through my body. I finally had to ask them to bring me back for the scan because I thought they forgot about me. The nurse's response was, "Well, we will do it but it might not be a good scan if we do it too soon."  Really??? It had been over an hour and I wanted to get out of there.

Scan, iodine injection and nurse gossip. . . I was finally on my way.

Barbara, Dr. Schwartz's nurse called me the next day to say, " The scan is clear. There have been no changes. The doctor says it very good news!!!"

Needless to say, I am very relieved. I now continue on with my life, keeping my positive attitude (most of the time) and waiting for the next scan in January.

Follow-Up

Since my last post in June, I went for a third opinion with a doctor at Lynn University/Phyllis and Harvey Sandler Cancer Center in Boca Raton. Dr. Richter was very kind and spoke to Craig and I in a way that was reassuring and comforting. After going over all of the details of my diagnosis and treatment thus far, he had several things to say.

First, I was very lucky to have Dr. Zelenitz at Sloan Kettering as my second opinion doctor. He equated him to being the Bruce Springsteen of all things Lymphoma; the rest of the doctors, him included, would be his groupies!

Second, he was surprised to hear that Dr. Z would agree with stopping my Rituxin treatments. He went over the history of how Rituxin was once given every 6 months, then 4 months and now every two months. Although my white count has been low,  he feels that comes with the territory.

His recommendation was to go back to my doctor  and fill him in on our discussion.  He said he would always be there if we needed him.

At my next appointment with Dr. Schwartz, I filled him in. I didn't want him to think that I was going behind his back and wanted him to know everything. He understood but still felt that he wanted to wait until my count came up before we thought about having Rituxin again. ( At this point, I was supposed to be having my next scheduled treatment.) We did my bloodwork and flushed out my port (which has to be done every 6-8 weeks if you are not getting any treatments) and waited for the results. Lucky me-My count was up!!!!

Since Craig and I were going to be traveling most of July, there would be no time to get a treatment (not that he was planning on giving me one yet!). He wants my count to come up more, or at least stay steady for awhile. On top of that, I was due for my 6 month Pet Scan.  So. . .

I am having my scan tomorrow and the pre-diet sucks. No carbs. No sugar. No cream in my coffee (I got up early enough to have some!) No fruit!! Yuck!! I am trying to stay positive but I am nervous, too. I honestly believe that there is no cancer in me at this point but until I hear the words, there is still doubt. It is true what they say- When you have had cancer, your life goes from scan to scan and the hope that you will always hear,
"You're clean and clear."

Say some prayers, please. (And, Thank You!)